I was recently asked if I would like to be surprised or to know when something was going to happen in advance. I began responding almost immediately about how I hoped the experience would happen, within seconds, I caught myself and gave in. I offered them to do as they wished, I ceded control. I have been reflecting since then that my whole life has been a battle for control. I know where it stems from and as of now, have decided to let that go.

There are many experiences we endure that we have no control over, especially when we are young. We communicate what we want from birth, crying is our first way. I am hungry, you don’t know this, I can’t speak so I communicate the only way I can. You come to me and offer me what I want, milk. Here is our first attempt to control in this case, our hunger. It grows from there as we grow. The attempts to first crawl, then stand and walk is to control our body, we are conditioned through training to control our bowels through nappies, diapers and potty training. We realise by doing this that we are accepted by our care givers and that’s when the confusion sets in. I control my body, and you are happy, yet when I try to control which food I want to eat sometimes you are not happy with me. I react by throwing the food on the floor.

Deeper Confusion

On it goes through childhood into adulthood, we try to navigate the world and to understand how to maintain control. There are instances when we trust ourselves to give this up and trust in the process. The first kiss, mutually desired, a certain energy between us, and we sensed we both wanted the same thing. We let the experience happen, we ceded control and gave in.

Every aspect of our existence involves control, a seat belt, a speed limit, a set time for a flight or dinner reservation. All necessary and agreed on by society, and all the while asking us to give up control which we accept it. Those who do not accept this are shamed, fined, imprisoned or charged for a no show reservation.

In relationships we often believe that we can control the other, I was doing this unconsciously for a lifetime, not realising how damaging it was for both parties. Think on your decisions about what to eat last night or which show to watch, or what route is best to get to your in-laws. How did it play out for you? Was there frustration that you didn’t get your way? I think of the arguments I have witnessed and been part of and realise all I needed to do was trust the other. There does not need to be a battle, nor do you need to give up what you want. As you negotiate over curry or pizza, wonder why it matters and what does it truly mean to you.

Here Yet Still Stuck There

What is really happening here for you, how old do you feel when you don’t get your way?

For me, I am 6-8 years old, for a recent client it was 14-16 years old. So go back there, look deeply at what you were experiencing that leads to how you are feeling now. You may have aged, I am not 6 anymore, yet my unconscious process is stuck there.

I wonder if it is a painful reminder when you did not have what you wanted, you feared not knowing what would happen. We assume we have power over the universe when we have none. We can do many things to achieve goals, yet the power to know exactly how it will happen is an illusion. We plan, train or study to achieve something and often imagine what it will be like when we get what we want. Another way is to plan, train or study and just see what happens. The key difference is letting go of the control and simply do what you want for your considered reason, one you have thought deeply on. Your closest ones, if they have love and care for you, will often realise that you are doing something important for you, and if they let their control go, your journey will be smoother.

Those Inside You

I imagine reading this could be frustrating, ‘why should I have to give up what I want?’, ‘I never got what I wanted’. I hear you; My invitation is to talk to two people inside you. The little you, your child and the older you, your parent. The real battle is between them. Listen to them, what are they really saying to each other? The older you could be trying to explain that you don’t always get what you want, that you don’t deserve it. They might be saying you are not ready yet, think of others not yourself, stop being selfish.

You can observe this and tell them both that they don’t need to argue. The older you sounds like they are trying to tell you what not to do, not to think or feel. They seem scared of what you might be if you let go of the fear. They are just trying to protect you and hold you back. The little you is protesting, stamping and going red in the face. So, calm them, soothe them, let them know they can experience whatever they desire. Offer them the chance to think on what they really want, and for what reason. Offer them peace and calm, and that letting go of wanting means letting go of the fear of what happens if they don’t get what they want.

Who’s Laughing, Who’s crying

We catastrophise and fantasize, usually the little us dreams and the older one thinks of everything that could go wrong. You have the chance to allow the dream, quell the fear and let things happen as they happen, trusting in your universe and those that guide you. If you are true to yourself and true to others, there is nothing stopping you. I heard this long ago, how do you make God laugh? Tell Him your plans. So let go of the illusion you have control and see what you achieve.

In those moments when you feel out of control, often bad things happen. Earlier this year I assumed what I planned was going to happen, something unexpected came up, I got angry and made a mistake and scraped my rental. The mistake was fuelled by my anger. Afterwards it became apparent that I had given over the rental truck wheel to my 6 year old me in that angry moment. Instead, letting go of control by stopping, breathing deeply and looking inside of me would have been a happier and calmer experience. I don’t view that moment with shame, just with thanks to the wisdom I was offered.

Every day, multiple times, we are faced with our futility of control. It is how we react that defines who we want to be. I want to be awake and aware; I want to plan and accept what happens. I recently discovered that my design means I need to go after things, not to wait for them to come to me. I am learning to balance that with the acceptance that I control nothing, it is liberating and challenging, my life’s work I imagine.

The Illusion of Control

The Emotion Cocktail