The Emotion Cocktail

The Emotion Cocktail

Anger, it’s the emotion we are most afraid of, the one we don’t talk about.

In this country it is shut down early, children are told that anger is bad, hissed away by embarrassed parents in public. We are intolerant of intolerance.

There seems a disinterest in understanding the real reason for the anger, the symptom is dealt with and rarely the cure explored.

Theres a theory that we unconsciously use emotions to cover up the real emotion, a Racket feeling. In this case, anger covers the real feeling of fear.

The Anger

am angry and when I slow it down and look into myself, it is fear of abandonment that leaves me lashing out and hurting the other. This fear is deep rooted, coming from as young a place as can be. No one is to blame, and no one did anything wrong, it happened. I can rationalise it, look at it with adult understanding, however the fear is pre-verbal. The brain did not have words to comprehend what was happening, so it created a sense that can be recognised and felt yet indescribable.

The Yearning

If you have ever yearned, deeply wanted someone without being able to explain how it feels, you probably experienced something so powerful before you could talk. To describe the sense in words is difficult, it is a somatic feeling, within your body. Yearning for me comes from my chest, it’s like a movie, a fiery light pulling out of me. Sounds painful, it is in some ways, yet total bliss at the same time, a young, happy feeling for me. It satisfies a want to be wanted.

Abandon ye…

The fear of abandonment goes to my stomach, a tightening and then a wave of shame that develops into anger. Covering my shoulders, my neck, all tense and shaking. Hands flickering and my mind moves into the faster gear of thinking, classic fight or flight mode.

It lasts less each time yet does not stop coming. My work is to calm myself, realise what is happening, sit in it and explore the depths of what I am feeling. Whether there is abandonment or potential for it to happen. To realise that I’m okay. Feel it and then understand what the reality is, what is the worst that can happen. I move from feeling to thinking, aware of what happened and then become reflective. How did I get caught up in myself? Was I able to express myself clearly? Could I explain how I feel when this happens without the anger being directed at another?

I understand that any opportunity to blame is a tactic of trying to justify what happened and deflect my fear and therefore pain on to the other, You have my pain, I don’t want it!

From the Ashes

If only that worked, instead we now have two hurt and angry people rather than the one. Sometimes it is better to walk away calmly and just be with your fear until it subsides and you can process how you are. Once this happens you can bring the other in and share what went on from you, if they value you, they will listen.

This is merely one person’s experience, you might read this and see something in you that resonates. You may have done enough meditation, grounding and have experience that you are able to recognise this and move through it without anyone knowing what is happening.

We are all on our own journey of understanding, we go at our own pace it really is the only way.