You Make Me Feel, The Ultimate Myth

The Everyday Trigger Trap

‘When you do that, you make me so angry’.

Have you heard a variation of that before, maybe even earlier today?

That guy taking ‘too long’ to find his ticket for the barrier, the family that pitch up to airport security only then to start arranging themselves; the restaurant guest who doesn’t like the table you showed them to or the man walking towards you glued to his phone oblivious to your existence.

What is your reaction each time? If you start to get mad, irritated, frustrated or angry it’s not them buddy, It’s all on you.

Two Wise Men

Two incredible therapists helped me understand that only I control my emotions, Viktor Frankl and Robert Goudling. I sadly never met them; it was through their seminal books (listed at the end) that I accessed a new way of thinking. I took their wisdom to bolster my own, helping me calm and slow down, reduce my anger and enjoy life more.

My Own Anger Playground

Try this, choose the most frustrating task or event that involves interacting with others and often leaves you wound up or pissed at someone; mine was driving, it went something like this –

‘Why can’t you drive at the **** speed limit?’

‘Why is the damn limit so low?’

‘I know what I’m doing!’

‘No, you get out of the way!’

All of that was my unconscious process showing up with aggressive overtaking, speeding resulting in speeding tickets, bus lane fines, near misses, swearing, anger, anger, oh, and more anger.

The Script Beneath the Rage and Learning Early

So, what was happening for me? My process script is ‘what’s next’, where I climb the mountain and immediately look for the next mountain to climb. I don’t stop to admire the view, no reflecting on the journey I took to get here, no appreciation of my achievement. Just a consistent drive to reach something and then on arrival, realising I am not fulfilled I push on to the next goal.

Everyone is different of course, you might have this sense of never quite being able to make it; or bad things always happening to you; or not being able to move on until you have finished something that you never finish.

 We learned this process when little. The messages from parents, carers and extended family, coupled with what we saw on the streets from our prams, sitting on the floor while the big people shouted at each other over us, essentially, everything we sensed from our world. As we were just babies and then little kids, we did not realise that these experiences added up to form an unconscious message about how we should be, act and feel, to be accepted and survive.  

When we achieve a level of deeper self-knowledge, we can question what our script is. Why do I do what I do? Why does this always happen to me?

No one can make you feel anything other than what you choose to feel. The phrase ’you make me feel’ is often used to dump a ton of shame on us. You drop a plate and I get angry and shout at you. Why? Maybe I experienced the same shame when I dropped a plate, so I unconsciously want you to understand how painful it was to be shouted at by my Dad. I’m embarrassed, shameful and mirror that through anger toward you rather than look at myself. Whole lotta shaming going on…..

None of this is about you, it is always about the other, the one accusing you of making them feel.

Leave Well Alone

I teach my restaurant teams and therapy clients to see the ‘shit’ that some people want to give us, to understand it is not ours, and refuse to accept it.

The couple that doesn’t want to be together anymore and don’t want to admit it, giving their anger at each other to the waiter taking their order.

The short man who is still experiencing the shame from the bullying at school, shouting at me for offering him a ‘crap’ table.

The older man who couldn’t stand up to his mother, now trying to humiliate a hostess for not being sat exactly on time.

I help you realise you are being confronted, to step out of the negative energy being offered and focus on what you are feeling inside. When we are challenged with anger, our amygdala is activated, moving into threat detection mode. This was developed at the dawn of our existence, a group of neanderthals on patrol looking for food and realising a sabre toothed tiger is in the undergrowth, what did they do? Fight, flight, freeze or flop?  We still have this response today, whether a loud surprising noise, a dog barking or an irate guest shouting at us.

Notice, Breathe and Cope

I offer my team to sense and be conscious of the way their body is pulling them. To notice what they want to do (run, punch, scream or go silent) and realise this angry person is trying to pass off his negative energy onto them.

It doesn’t matter why he picked you, what matters is that you understand it is his energy not yours. He doesn’t get to affect your emotions. Slow it all down, bring your free, calm and conscious self to the situation. His energy will sit there between you, pulsating and diminishing; look closely you might see it, you’ll sense it. He won’t know what to do, his energy will dissipate into the ether. He will feel like he did as a child, full of shame.

The alternative was that you reacted, took his energy and reacted as you did when a child under threat. Of course, you are not a child anymore.

Child Learning, Adult Action

We built these protective mechanisms as defences against fear and danger when we were very little. We are not little anymore, so it’s time to understand ourselves and change our behaviour. Always respecting the little us that was so clever to create the coping strategy we still use. That little you was brilliant at perceiving the atmosphere, working out how to be to be looked after by the adults. You couldn’t look after yourself then, now though, grown up, you can.

Maybe it’s time to do that without using the strategies you developed when small. Maybe it’s time to develop a new strategy, one that suits who you are now.

You make me feel….

Absolutely nothing. It’s all on you buddy.

Those books I mentioned

Frankl, V.E., 1959. Man’s search for meaning. Boston: Beacon Press.

Goulding, R. L, and McClure Goulding, M (1978) The Power is in the Patient. A TA/Gestalt Approach to Psychotherapy. San Francisco: TA Press. Multiple Pages